i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
