Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
