Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
