We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
