drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
