mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
