yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
