I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
as a side note pls kill me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
