Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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