guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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