i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
