C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
