needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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