awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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