My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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