shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
