i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have already put on my inside pants.
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