Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just pee around me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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