ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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