This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
