i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
