remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
