we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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