There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
