my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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