i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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