So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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