Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
