Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
