Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
