I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
