Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
