Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
