My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
