dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
