grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
