At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
