if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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