I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
