So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
