I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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