I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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