Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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