STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
