how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
