Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize