So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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