not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
