4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
