bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
