Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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