I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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