Moan for me like Helen Keller
Four minutes until I can fart!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
