I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
