I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
