I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
