I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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