I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize