Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
