well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
