I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
